just alisha things

Have you ever been in that situation before when you suddenly realise you no longer want to be friends with someone? It could be from an argument that you can’t find reconciliation from, or something they say or do that doesn’t sit right with you. Sometimes there’s not really any particular reason, but whatever it is, you find yourself wanting to pull the plug on your friendship. I’ve coined this “the platonic ick”. You’ve probably heard of “the ick” in the context of dating, a blanket term where suddenly someone does something or shows qualities that repels you or makes you cringe to the depths of your stomach. But I think this is also entirely possible in a platonic setting. I’ve experienced this a few times, especially as I’ve gotten older, which got me thinking – what does it take for us to call it a day on a friendship?

When I was younger, I put immense value on my friendships and inner circle. After all, friends were vital if you wanted to make it through school in one piece. The more friends you had the better, even if it was just someone who liked your new Facebook profile picture every once in a while. Social media likes, number of friends and snapchat scores equalled worth in the cut throat school environment. But for someone who was very reserved as a teenager and found it hard to establish relationships with new people, I found myself clinging on to the friends I’d already made. Because of this, I put up with a lot of shit. Friends that put you down to make themselves look better in front of others, friends that spoke negatively about you behind your back and friends that made you do things you didn’t want to do. But it didn’t matter if they were bad friends, they were friends at least. They were someone to sit with in the canteen at lunch, someone to text when you were bored at home. But the older I got, the more fed up I became and I found my inner voice. I cut them off, no longer wanting to associate with people that I felt didn’t really care about me, and I think this is why I now view friendships differently.

As an adult, I still place a lot of value on my friendships, but not in the same way as I did as a desperate-to-fit-in and acquiescent teenager. As time goes by and you start to experience heartbreaks, loss and hardship, you come to realise that the number of friends you have is really unimportant. What does matter is having friends that help shape you, inspire you and support you when you’re at your lowest points. It’s quite rare to find friends like this, but when you do, that becomes the gold standard that you measure every person you meet against.

But what about the friends that you lose along the way? Well, friendships naturally come and go. Some may fade out on their own as you move about and grow up. I’ve also had friendships where I’ve realised at some stage that this person doesn’t really have a place in my life anymore and I experience “the platonic ick”. One minute you can be baring your soul to someone and the next you’re standing in front of each other and you realize you’re oceans apart. You’re no longer on the same wavelength and there’s a huge gap between you, but you don’t have the energy to close it. Or what about that friend that you realize has completely different morals to you, something which has totally evaded you up until this point? Politics bears a lot more weight when you grow up and it really indicates someone’s character. It’s almost impossible to stay friends with someone who supports a party you don’t, or opposes your views on basic human rights. This is something social media is great for – feel the “ick”? Swiftly unfriend and move on with your life, feeling chuffed that you’ve been able to cut off a friendship with the convenient click of a button. But these are usually just friends that merely scratch the surface of friendship; not close enough to care, enough distance to never really cross your mind again.

You might experience “the platonic ick” when you realize the only conversation you have with a friend is superficial chit-chat or dialogue that’s stuck in the past. Hot gossip is met with flurried excitement but a promotion at work or new relationship receives a dry response or the dreaded double blue tick. These friendships are somewhat addictive, and you find yourself wanting to impress the other person with the gossip you have or interesting news almost to the point of it becoming a competition – who has the hottest tea to spill? But then, you’re left feeling hungry for more in your friendship. Something more substantial, something that leaves you feeling fulfilled. You also have moments where you realize you’re merely observing conversation rather than partaking – you’re staring into the distance thinking about something else entirely as they drone on about some random person being pregnant. This is when you know it’s probably over – because you shouldn’t have to make yourself smaller to make a friendship work, and you don’t really see the value in trying.

There’s also the type of friend that cannot accept the fact that you’ve changed. Change is inevitable, and we all change as we grow older and experience new things. Change stems from growth, and if you grow up a bit quicker than someone else in your life it can cause a rift, especially with older friends. We don’t want someone holding us back as we go through multiple transformations, constantly reminding you of an outdated version of yourself. You have the right to rebuild yourself over and over again, but it can be hard if you have someone reminding you of your embarrassing past experiences, your wrong moves and juvenile mistakes. Old friends do matter and they remind us of times we’ll never get back, but when this is the sole basis of your friendship to the point it becomes too damaging to maintain it can give you the “ick”. The right friends grow with us and actually help our personal growth, no matter how long you’ve been in each other’s lives. My best friend from school is still one of my best friends now, and even though we always talk about how cringe we were as teenagers, we have grown almost into completely different people together. There can be more to a friendship than what you used to do and who you used to be.

It’s almost impossible to keep all of your friends close and in contact. We all have those friends we don’t talk to often but when we do, nothing has changed. You still care about each other and you still cherish each other as friends, but you have lives that you’re getting on with and this is completely normal. However, if you have those friends that only ever pop into your life sporadically when they want something or to have a dig about not hearing from you, it’s probably time to move on.

Think of all the people you have met and will meet over the course of your entire life. A quick Google tells me this is about 80,000 people (I actually thought it’d be more). This fact alone shows how impossible it is to keep hold of every person you come across. People aren’t always meant to stay in your life. You can outgrow people, grow apart from friends and call time on friendships that no longer hold worth to you. So, I think “the platonic ick” is a positive thing. It’s a way of refining your inner circle so that the real friends, the ones who stick by you through everything, are the ones you are left with in the end.