just alisha things

Oh hi! It’s been an embarrassingly long time since I’ve taken the time to sit at my laptop and write. I could tell you how it’s because I’ve been working lots or because I had a three month-long binge of Grey’s Anatomy, but really I’m just lazy. Honestly, I’ve mostly been lacking imagination and confidence. I’ve been very aware of the fact my blog has been sat for months gathering dust, but I’ve just not had that Eureka moment where I’ve thought “I can write about that.” My creative juices had well and truly dried up, but no more! I was sat browsing my social media yesterday and noticed it was A-Level Results day, which got me thinking, I can write about something I know all too well – failure!

I left secondary school in 2013 (seeing that written down is mortifying) and attended my school’s sixth form college until 2014. I chose English Literature, Maths, Physics and Chemistry. I obviously loved doing my English Literature A-Level as it had always been my favourite subject in school, but I had a really difficult time keeping up in my other classes. Right from the get-go I was already struggling and falling behind, which was making me feel inadequate and resulted in me struggling to adjust to higher education. This had a big knock on my confidence when I saw my peers getting much better grades than me, paired with the fact that I was not settling into my life in sixth form at all. I always thought going to college granted you a bit more freedom and independence, but I found my teachers still treating us like we were school children (having to ask to go to the toilet, locking us out of the classroom if we arrived after the school bell etc). I found this to be a very toxic environment that I was really failing to thrive in, and was being taught by tutors who I had no trust in. I never felt like it was okay to ask for help or admit that I was lost.

Half-way through the year I considered dropping out and trying something else, but I was scared of looking like a failure to my family, teachers and classmates. Sixth form was just an extension of secondary school but with more academic pressure and expectation, which I felt like I just was not cut out for. I slowly started skipping classes and felt really deflated and demotivated. Fast forward to Results Day and I failed three out of four of my subjects – not even enough marks to secure an actual grade, and I was absolutely mortified. During exam season I had been doing revision and extra classes to try and stay afloat but my heart wasn’t in it at all. I can remember sitting in my mum’s car crying my eyes out and panicking about my future because honestly, at that age education is all you really know. If I had failed at this, how was I ever going to succeed at anything else? I wanted to go to university and go into a career I loved, how would that ever be possible with a handful of unclassified A-Level grades?

I have to write this in the right way now, without sounding like a #girlboss who has just joined a pyramid scheme. But if you found yourself in the same boat yesterday, I want to tell you this: there isn’t only one path to success. Once the “I’m a failure” fog eventually clears, you have to pick yourself up and remember that this moment doesn’t define you. Whether it’s your exam grades, relentless job rejections or relationships that run their course, one day you’ll be glad that these things didn’t work out for you. This particular day felt like such a low to me, but what I didn’t realise is that so many new doors had just opened to me. I decided to move to a new college and start again, and this time choose subjects that were more suited to me. Don’t get me wrong, it was difficult going back to square one and moving to a college where I didn’t know anyone, but it was also really freeing. I enjoyed my classes and I got my first ever part time job, and I finally had that little bit of independence I’d been craving the previous year. My tutors spoke to me with respect and believed in me, which made all the difference, but ultimately the most important thing that led me to success was me. (Okay, that last sentence is a bit #girlboss vibes, my bad).

It took me an extra year to get to university and where I wanted to be, but I always reflect on this experience as being one of the best things to ever happen to me. If I had gone to university the year I was meant to go should I have passed my first round of exams, I would have had a completely different life at university. I am so grateful that I went to university that particular year, where I met my best friends and had an amazing three years. It’s very cliché but I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that year built me into a person that was more equipped to deal with my failures. Failure is inevitable; it isn’t possible to go through our entire lives succeeding at everything we tackle. “Failure” isn’t a dirty word; it shouldn’t be shameful and if anything it should show your strengths. Picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and trying again is where your real strength lies, because it’s the hardest thing to do. Embrace fucking up every now and again, put it down to “character building” and do something better, or be someone better.

I’ve failed at loads of things since that experience. Countless “we regret to inform you…” responses to job applications or interviews I worked my arse off for. Several friendships that I saw fading away but didn’t know how to save. Arguments with people I care about because I dealt with things in the wrong way. Even just hobbies I’ve tried to pick up throughout my life that I never bothered sticking with like embroidery, rowing, learning the piano, trying to take on driving lessons… it’s endless. I say that knowing I’ll do it all again. I know I’ll face a shit ton of setbacks in the future and I won’t always be going down the path I first envisioned for myself. However, I’ve come to realise that this is okay, and it’s normal. I’d go as far to say that I want you to fail. You should fail. You deserve to fail. You’re welcome xox

Themed Recommendations:

🎙️ podcast: “How to Fail” by Elizabeth Day

📖 book: “Failosophy: A Handbook for When Things Go Wrong” by Elizabeth Day (gal knows what she’s talking about x)

📖 book: “How Do We Know We’re Doing It Right?” by Pandora Sykes

📖 book: “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig