just alisha things

How do you sift through the conflicted feelings of walking away from a job that you love because it doesn’t love you back? 

I have always been a girl who floats between jobs, hesitant to anchor herself to anything unless it was The Right Thing. The meaningful, fulfilling and rewarding career. If I didn’t see a progression ladder or an actual salary rather than just an hourly wage, I wouldn’t go for it.  I had a degree I was desperate to put to good use, so I waited until the moment felt right and a good opportunity came my way. 

I finally got that break in 2022 when I landed the job of a branch manager in my local library. I had applied for a job as a library assistant there 3 years earlier and hadn’t even got an interview, which was something I had to pick myself up from because I was so disappointed. I knew then that to get anywhere I wanted to go, I would have to build myself up in lots of different ways – my confidence, my experience, my resilience – to be given the time of day. So that’s what I did. I milked every opportunity of learning and gaining experience that I could, staying in jobs I disliked and working through promotions, undertaking training, advocating for myself and others, navigating conflict, training and supervising, interviewing…basically saying yes to everything offered, even when my plate was overflowing, hoping one day it would pay off. 

Eventually, after years of grinding, making mistakes and learning, everything felt like it had led to this moment, kismet, you could say, and my nervous system finally felt like it could settle. I knew it would be a challenge stepping into something that I still wondered if I was good enough for, but I felt ready to commit myself to working hard to establish my career. 

I never looked back when I first started the job. I couldn’t believe my luck, and I felt so proud (maybe even smug, admittedly) to say I was the manager of a library. I definitely came up against some challenges as I was trying to find my feet, but it was nothing I wasn’t used to. I faced it all head-on and in my stride, and I think my determination to make this into my career ultimately allowed me to ignore the red flags and normalise the negatives. I was hyper-focused on the promise of stability, security and foundation. 

I think I managed to keep my head above water for a few months before I realised there were some major flaws in the organisation and the expectation of my job role. But I still ploughed on, not even contemplating doing anything but, because at the end of the day, I’m extremely stubborn and often find myself overcommitting to causes that probably won’t serve me in the long run. I sprinted and jumped through hoops, keeping the blinkers on and working through the crazy situations that were being thrown at me, and I did this for 2 years before I really started to suffer from burnout and fatigue. I was overworked, under too much pressure, undervalued, under-resourced, underpaid and unable to ever turn off from “manager mode” mentally, even when I wasn’t at work. I was doing about 5 different job roles at the same time, and I had to constantly be accessible for information and guidance to other staff but also to my customers. I was information on tap, only ever a message away if you needed your question answered promptly (to my detriment).  I don’t think I was ever truly able to disconnect from work. This ultimately made me feel like I was a manager before I was a person. Everyone else’s needs came before my own, and my work came before my life. The truth is, I wouldn’t have even minded operating that way if I had known it was valued and appreciated, but I didn’t feel like it, or I, was. 

I once wrote on my blog about my journey with therapy and how much it had helped me at a time when I felt like I was drowning. I thought I was done with that and had fixed all that needed to be fixed, but I ended up back in counselling when I was dealing with the stress of my job and the toll it was taking on me. It took me six months to come out of the other side of it, ready to take on work with a new attitude and armed with methods of how to change things and revitalise my approach. And that’s what I did for the next year. I beat myself against the curve, shoving a square peg into a round hole over and over again until I had nothing left to give and nowhere else to go – before I realised, why am I the only one changing? I was chipping away at myself, contorting into whatever shape they wanted me to be, and it gets to a point where you’re so disconnected and disillusioned that every day just feels like a battle to get through.  

So, after 3 years of picking myself up off the ground time and time again, sick periods, coming home in tears due to the stress and sacrificing so much of myself for my job, I admitted defeat and handed my notice in. 

I don’t think I can accurately convey how hard I found it to come to that decision. I weighed it up for weeks if I was ready to go, I wrote pros and cons lists, I asked everyone I knew for guidance, and after all that I still didn’t know! The last thing that convinced me was being in a tricky situation at work that had happened to me repeatedly, knowing that nothing was going to change, no matter how much I wanted it to. I had been to occupational health, I had shouted from the rooftops what I needed from my organisation to help me do my job properly, and it always felt like their head was turned the other way. They simply weren’t interested, so I had to call it a day. 

Going through what I had been through in my job, most people probably would have skipped out of the place on their last day and never looked back. For a while, I thought that’s what I would do too. I had another job lined up to move into that looked great on paper, things at work were imploding around me as they often did, and I was calling it quits at the right time to come out relatively unscathed. So why did I cling on for dear life? 

The last week of my job was so emotionally exhausting, and I made it incredibly hard for myself. I cried every day, and I panicked as my last day inched closer and closer. After all, this was my dream job, and I really felt like I must have failed it so terribly to get to this point where I was having to walk away. Could I have been more resilient, more dedicated, less anxious and stressed? I already know the answer to that, but even now, sitting here writing this, the voice of doubt creeps in and tells me I didn’t do enough. Even after all of the hardships I’d faced, ultimately the vision of my job, the people and the core work aligned with my values and goals. On a good day, I really felt like I was making a difference, whether it was to the babies I sang to, the children in my school visits, my team members or my community. They were the reason I laid so much of myself on the line and gave it my all for those 3 years. Anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that’s how I navigated my job and how I managed. As a result, I was emotionally invested in literally everything I did and everyone I encountered. I built so many amazing contacts and connections, forged some friendships that I can’t imagine living without now, and felt a ripple effect with those around me of the work I was doing. Nothing came easy to me, and I worked hard for and nurtured everything I earned. But after pouring myself into everything I did, how can I walk away without feeling like I left a piece of me behind? It felt like my purpose and my identity for so long. I went through the most formative period of my life in this job – I bought my first house, got my driver’s licence and first car, and discovered so much about myself and who I was – that now I’m feeling lost and untethered with that chapter of my life closed.  

It’s a grief and melting pot of emotions I haven’t encountered before. I’ve spent days wondering, why do I feel like this, and what does it mean? I’m confused, because what I once wished to be away from is now what I’d go back to in a heartbeat (if I gave in to my emotions right now). I’m unanchored from familiarity, comfort and routine. My anxiety is overwhelming me as I wonder if I’ve made the right decision or if I’m making a huge mistake. I feel guilty because I feel like I abandoned people who depended on me and looked to me for support and guidance. I’m mourning what could have been and the potential I was never able to reach. I’m frustrated because only when I was on my way out did some bosses tell me how much I’d made a difference and how valued I was. Words I’d have moved mountains to hear at any point over my 3 years there, to know it was all worth it, and to have the knowledge that it would have made a difference to how things turned out. Why did it feel like I was only worth the praise and acknowledgement when it was too late?  I’m annoyed at myself because I know I’m holding myself back from my new adventure because I’m so focused on the one I just abruptly ended. I’m proud of myself for having the courage to finally drop out of the race I knew I’d kill myself trying to win (or even finish in the first place). I feel a tiny bit of relief that I no longer have to be everything to everyone. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and love at how much other people I worked with went out of their way to show me how much I was cared for and how highly I was thought of. I’m sad because ultimately it doesn’t change anything.  

It’s still all so fresh, and I have to hope that once the emotion clouding my judgement disappears, I’ll be able to see the wood for the trees and stand by my decision. After all, it was a decision I made when I was rational, clear-headed and logical. There will hopefully come a day soon where I won’t feel a small stab to my chest when I think of the people I left behind or someone else doing the job I poured my soul into. Where it won’t feel alien walking into my old work and seeing the world turning without me there. I will move on just like everyone else has and accept that this change is a part of life and how I’ll advance and develop. But it’s okay if that day isn’t today or tomorrow; I just have to be patient and focus on the positives. I am loved and appreciated (my house is full of flowers and cards, and it’s a beautiful reminder that my hard work was valued by those I cared about most). I’m lucky to have another job waiting for me. I am in the eye of new opportunities and open doors, and this fear and anxiety can be turned into a catalyst to search for what’s right for me and what deserves me.